![]() ![]() 'I don’t want to come off overbearing or clingy!' I hear you say. 'But the talk is scary and haaaard', I hear you say. “It's like ‘I keep going back to the same thing thinking I'm going to get a response, thinking I'm going to get what I need but I don't get it’ and therefore, perhaps there isn’t enough there, there isn't actually the thing there anymore, so getting frustrated about it is a really good indication that perhaps things aren’t actually the way thought they were,” Liz says. It’s ok to have fun and keep things casual, but if you’re starting to get frustrated at something not going anywhere, that’s how you know it’s time to sort it out. That’s why it’s so important to DTR and do it earlier in the piece. When the other person seems to have their door open, the last thing we want to do is cut something off if we're at risk of hearing ‘actually you know I was going to get serious, I just wanted to take some time’,” Liz says. “It is really difficult to close a door to something when we think that the door is open. Liz says we stay stuck in limbo because we’re more focussed on the potential of a relationship than what’s actually in front of us, and we don’t like the idea of turning down what seems like an opportunity. But is there something you could be doing to avoid people who keep you in the dating waiting room? Loading Sarah told us it’s happened to her SEVERAL times. “You don't really have to be accountable either because he hadn't made that commitment so in some way you don't need to be concerned about the other feelings of the other person although a lot of the time on the receiving end of it you are.” Why does this keep happening to *me*?ĭo you feel like you’re ALWAYS the type of person who lands in limbo with non-committal people? “We often get to a point of wanting to meet up but then we get really nervous about it and we start to realize maybe I’m going to blow this and maybe it's actually not gonna work out and actually it's just easier to keep this chat going because this is more exciting than taking the risk of it not working out in person,” Liz says. Liz says it’s easier to put that stuff in the to do later basket, and keep getting the nice hits of excitement or validation of prolonged chat without being accountable or risking rejection. If you’re not that invested yet, and you don’t have to face the person, then why bother dealing with the yuck hard stuff like making things awkward, hurting someone by rejecting them, or taking on responsibilities that come with commitment? I don’t want to be all like phones = bad, but in this case, phones = kinda bad. That helps with social anxiety but it also perpetuates it,” she says. “We've become accustomed to being able to hide behind a screen and there’s a distance that’s in place. Relationship limbo isn’t new, it’s a large part of dating, but couples therapist Liz Neal says dating apps and messaging (particularly through a pandemic) have made it easier to keep some low-effort contact for long periods of time without IRL commitment, and that this has become the new normal. She says it often makes the people she speaks to uncomfortable, which then makes her uncomfortable. “In previous interactions, when I’ve asked what we are, it’s become a bit of a negative thing to bring up,” she says. ![]() Sarah says she finds it hard to have ‘the chat’. Stick with me my committal friend, we’re learning how to DTR, and why people seem to be so scared to do it. How do you sit down and define the damn relationship without feeling like you’re being overbearing? So, if you want some action in a dating world where we ghost, breadcrumb, casually bang and dance around committing (which, as you have told us, needs to change), what do? ![]() And it’s super frustrating, but it’s as common as dudes holding up fish in their profile pics. So you’ve matched, and you’re chatting, but you’re not really dating. “It almost feels like you’re just love penpals.” Loading “I only met the guy once, we went for one date, so you’re not even really dating, you’re not really friends with benefits, I honestly didn’t even have sex with the guy,” she says. Loadingīut when it came to putting a label on whatever they were, she was drawing a blank. She and this guy were chatting for two months, some weeks it’d be every night until 5am. “It’d really be long endearing conversations and really deep conversations and lots of back and forth and messages and photos,” Hook Up listener Sarah told us of a recent guy she matched with. ![]() You keep messaging, and messaging, but that’s. You match with someone you like the look of, get to chatting, things are kind of cute, maybe you go on a date or two but it never really goes any further. ![]()
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